Jokes in English

1)

monk = a religious man who spends much time praying and thinking about religion. 
monastery = a place where monks live.
a vow of silence = a promise not to speak 
A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the head monk.
The head monk said, "You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years."
The man agreed and after the first 3 years, the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?"
"Food cold!" the man replied.
Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said "What are your two words?"
"Robe dirty!" the man exclaimed.
Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?"
"I quit!" said the man.
"Well," the head monk replied, "I am not surprised. You have done nothing but complain ever since you got here!"

2)

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

3)

An engineer was taking a walk when a frog spoke to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I'll become your girlfriend."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
The frog spoke again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll become your wife."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket again, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog said, "What is the matter? I'm a beautiful princess. Why won`t you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm a busy engineer. I don`t have time for a girlfriend or a wife, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

4)

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

5)

People often enjoy joking about love and marriage.
Here is a joke about the first three years of marriage.
-In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
-In the second year of marriage, the woman speaks and the man listens.
-In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Here's another joke about marriage.

A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Now let's listen to a couple of riddles about marriage.
Here's the first one.
Q: Why are men with pierced ears better suited for marriage?
A: Because they have suffered and bought jewelry.
Here's another riddle.
Q: What are the 3 important rings in life?
A: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
I'll end today's podcast with a humorous proverb-like saying.
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.  

6)

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

7)

The patient says, "Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea."
The doctor says, "Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink."
mug = cup

The patient says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say.
The doctor says, "Next, please."

8)

A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother

9)

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."
The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts.When I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you. You've broken your finger!"

10)

A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

11)

A plumber was called to woman's apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.
About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. "That was my husband," she said, "He's on 
his way home, but is going back to the office around 8.
Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off."
The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. 
"What? On my own time??"

12)

A Scotsman was dying. On his deathbed, he looked up and said: "Is my wife here?"
His wife replies: "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you.."
The Scot goes: "Are my children here?"
"Yes, daddy, we are all here?" say the children.
The Scot: "Are my other relatives also here?"
And they say: "Yes, we are all here..."
The Scot gets up and says: "Then why the heck is the light on in the kitchen?"

13)

SIGNS YOU HAVE A BAD APARTMENT...
It's the same bedroom you had as a kid, but now your parents are charging you two grand a month.
Your building's security system is a cardboard cutout of Clint Eastwood.
Rent must be paid in small, non-sequential bills.
Every time you pass the doorman, he's wearing another article of your clothing.
You can't get through your bedroom door because of the yellow police tape. 

14)

WOMEN'S BUMPER STICKERS:
'So many men, so few who can afford me.'
'Coffee, chocolate, men ... some things are just better rich.'
'Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.'
'Guys have feelings too, But ... who cares?'
'And your point is?'
'Next mood swing: 6 minutes.'
'If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.'

15)

The man walked over to the perfume counter and told
the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for
his wife's birthday.
"A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk.
"You bet," answered the customer. "She's expecting
a cruise."

16)

The Mother Superior in the convent school was chatting with her young charges and she asked them what they wanted to be when they grew up.
A twelve year-old said, "I want to be a prostitute."
The Mother Superior fainted dead away on the spot.
When they revived her, she raised her head from the ground and gasped, "What did you say?"
The young girl shrugged. "I said I want to be a prostitute."
"A prostitute!" the Mother Superior said. "Oh, praise Sweet Jesus! I thought you said you wanted to be a Protestant."

17)

On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy".
While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card.
"Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen."
"But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party."
"Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper.
The florist read the card, "Congratulations on your new location."  

18)

It was the last day of the school year, and Miss Figpot was talking to her fourth grade class. She asked "What will you be doing this summer?"
"Me and my family will go to the beach a lot," Suzie answered. 
"That sounds like fun," said Miss Figpot. 
"How about you, Emma? What will you do this summer?"
"My family just bought new bikes we will ride together." Emma replied enthusiastically.
"That sounds lovely," said the teacher. She continued with all her students until she got to Little Johnny in the back of the room.
"What will you do this summer, Johnny?"
"Nothing," Little Johnny responded timidly.
"Nothing? Aren't you going to do anything with your family?" she asked, trying to get Little Johnny to use his imagination. 
"Nothing." He replied
"Will you go to the beach?"
"No."
"Will you ride bikes?"
"No, never!" Little Johnny burst out. "We can never ride bikes together!"
"Why not?" said the shocked Miss Figpot.
"I don't know," explained Little Johnny, "But dad always says, when mom and sis start 'cycling together', it's time to get the hell out of town."

19)

A policeman pulls over a young gentleman that seems to be weaving all over the road.
"Say, your eyes seem rather bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
Being a quick thinker, the man replied, "Shay, offisher, your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating donuts?"

20)

A Religious Debate
This is the story of a debate between two religious figures. About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed. The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waed his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. 
The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay." 
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?" 
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get our of Rome. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." 
"And then?" asked a woman. 
"I don't know," said Moishe, "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."